My Best

When I'm asked, "When are you at your best?”, I can give two completely different, but completely viable and true answers. I am at my best either when I’m completely alone or when I’m in a group at the center of attention. 

When I’m completely alone, I’m at my best academically. I love being in control of situations. What I learn and the pace at which I acquire that knowledge is paramount to my learning, and what better way is there to assure my needs are met than by having full agency over those variables? When I’m by myself and learning I feel (even more than usual)free. I lose all of the pretenses of looking foolish in a group, not living up to the astronomically high standard I hold myself to, or really appeasing anyone other than myself. This sense of freedom allows me to continue to be inquisitive and curious about anything and everything, feeding my mind, and in turn feeding my soul. Being alone also allows me to be instantaneous. My mind moves at a mile a millisecond when I’m researching and learning. In large groups, tasks are almost always focused and revolve around one, singular topic. The way I work and learn, I can go from quantum mechanics to learning about the history of Assyria naturally and fluidly. Only when I’m alone am I allowed to fully explore my interests and wants, which I need to do to fulfill my daily needs. 

In social situations, I’m just the opposite. I thrive when I’m in a group and am at the center of attention. Possibly because of how much I need to cater to my own needs almost every other moment of every other day, but I feel almost obliged to make others enjoy my company. If I’m in a group and not everyone is laughing or smiling, I assume I’m doing something wrong. While this may seem painful, it’s just the opposite. Seeing others happy, especially when the main contributor to it is me, gives me almost indescribable joy. 

I realize being happy isn't a part of life that is promised, hence why I feel when I’m in a big group and giving a commodity that isn’t easily found is when I’m the most “Sam”. 

Serving others is a part of my life in which I feel is often overlooked, but it genuinely gives me more joy than nearly anything else in this world. Service, to me, doesn’t necessarily mean volunteer service or service for compensation or praise. Service is doing everything in your power to make others lives better, and even something as little as making somebody chuckle with a dumb joke is valued by me. 

The selfishness, almost of my need to be alone when learning, and the opposite of that when it comes to socializing is a duality that defines who I am, and when you know what makes you, you, doesn't that mean you are at your best?